"Your folks are starting to sound more like my soap opera every day." - Alice Nunn as Connie in "Francesca, Baby"
After School Specials: 1976-77 DVD Review
By Jonathan Boudreaux
While several episodes included in After School Specials: 1974-76 are earnest and serious, the 1976-77 volume contains a few camp classics, as well one episode that is so timeless it almost could have been made yesterday.
"Francesca, Baby"
Based on the novel by Joan L. Oppenheimer
Original air date: 6/10/76
While her friends go for after school romps on Laguna Beach, teen aged Francesca (Carol Jones) has to go grocery shopping. Why? Because since her younger brother Robbie died (a "truck just ran him down."), her mother (Melendy Britt) had become a drunk, and her father (Peter Brandon) is always away on business. This forces Francesca to be both mother and father to Kate (Tara Talboy), her little sister. Each morning she whips up bacon and eggs for ten year-old Kate while mom ventures downstairs only long enough to smoke her own nicotine breakfast while accidentally destroying the kitchen thanks to her uncontrollable delirium tremens. (When mom shatters her glass of V-8, Francesca icily asks her, "Do you want another glass of tomato juice? I don't have anything to pep it up with." Mom's dismayed reply? "What do you think? That I'd put vodka in my tomato juice?" Yep, mom - vodka, rum, rubbing alcohol, mouthwash. You name it, we think it.)
Connie (a terrific Alice Nunn, who would go on to play ghostly truck driver Large Marge in Pee Wee's Big Adventure), the salty broad who lives next door, tries to help keep mom in line, but she is still a great source of embarrassment for her two daughters. Kate's birthday party is ruined when the lush stumbles down the stairs and frightens away all of the guests. Francesca is falling for Bix (Welcome Back, Kotter's Dennis Bowen), but she doesn't get to socialize with him often because, as she explains, her mother "has a nervous condition and I never know when she'll need me." Bix, being a sensitive and perceptive guy in addition to being a hottie, figures out Francesca's problem and suggests that she attend an Ala-Teen meeting for kids with alcoholic relatives. Francesca is horrified by the shame and dishonor such a meeting would bring, but finally attends after her passed-out, dear old ma accidentally sets her pillow afire while smoking in bed. Francesca soon realizes that everyone in her new school is a member of Ala-Teen, and with Bix's help, she and Kate begin to take control of their lives.
Although critically acclaimed at the time of its release, this special is now a camp classic. Jones gives a subtly nuanced performance, but the dialogue and plot developments are often howlingly funny. The drunk scenes are hilariously over-the-top, and the overall tone is similar to didactic classroom scare films. "Francesca, Baby" is wonderful fun, producing many more laughs than some actual comedies do.
"Beat the Turtle Drum"
Based on the novel by Constance C. Greene
Original air date: 4/6/77 as "Very Good Friends"
For her eleventh birthday, Joss (Little House on the Prairie's stuttering farm girl Katy Kurtzman) wants a simple, easy-to-find gift - a horse. Sure, she lives in a cramped suburban neighborhood where residents would be hard pressed to keep a dog, much less a full grown horse, but Joss isn't unreasonable. She only wants to rent the horse for a week. With the help of her beloved older sister Kate (Little House on the Prairie's blind farm girl Melissa Sue Anderson) and her pal Tootie (Sparky Marcus, Ape Face from the original Freaky Friday), she unsuccessfully tries to build a makeshift barn out of scrap wood in their tiny backyard. A slight breeze topples the barn, but Joss isn't discouraged, and her parents agree to house the animal in their garage. Mr. Essig (William Lanteau), eccentric horse farm owner (we're talking striped pastel pants, polka-dotted shirt, and houndstooth cap eccentric) happily delivers Prince on Joss' big day. Except for the giant dung-heap behind the garage, things go pretty smoothly.until Joss falls out of her treehouse and dies. Happy birthday, Joss!
Prince doesn't make it to Joss' funeral (he had to work another birthday party), nor does Joss' imaginary friend, Jean Pierre (he skipped town years ago after deciding she was too boring). Even without the horse and the moody pretend Frenchman, the funeral is still a packed event. While munching on a finger sandwich, one moronic mourner tells Joss' father "We're sorry for your troubles," as if he has suddenly developed eczema, or his house is plagued by termites. Meanwhile, Kate blames herself for the accident, but with the help of crab apple neighbor Miss Pemberthy (Anne Seymour) and Mr. Essig's equally eccentric wife (the wonderfully named Montana Smoyer, whose character immediately pours a large, steaming cup o' joe for each and every one of her visitors, regardless of their age), Kate is able to come to terms with her grief. Based on Ms. Essig's stories of her multiple miscarriages, Kate finally understands that "we lost Joss [but] we'll never lose the memories of her." Yes, Kate - thoughts of Joss' dashing neckerchiefs, Little House-ish pigtails, and Dale Evans cowgirl blouses will stay with you forever. Ultimately, the moral seems to be that when life hands you horse manure, make fertilizer.
Like "Francesca, Baby," this special is now mostly enjoyable as pure, delirious camp. With its stilted dialogue, obtuse storytelling technique, and practically unintelligible moral, "Beat the Turtle Drum" provides a great many laughs.
Although originally broadcast under the name "Very Good Friends," this DVD's packaging bills this special by the title of the book on which it was based: "Beat the Turtle Drum." The credits, however, still employ the broadcast title. The main problem with referring to this special as "Beat the Turtle Drum" is that whatever the title references did not make it into the script. What in the heck is a turtle drum, and why do we need to beat it? If you've actually read the book and can shed some light on this, please feel free to let us know. We're dying of curiosity!
"The Pinballs"
Based on the novel by Betsy Byars
Original air date: 10/26/77
Carlie (Kristy McNichol) is a tough little chick who can't get along with her stepfather. Thirteen year-old Harvey (Johnny Doran) is confined to a wheelchair with two broken legs. His loutish father, it seems, ran him down with his car. Thomas J. (Sparky Marcus, again) is an eight year-old going on eighty whose adoptive aunts - deaf, elderly twins - have each been hospitalized with broken hips. As Carlie says, "Me and Harvey and Thomas J., we're like pinballs. Somebody came along with a dime, put it in, pushed a button, and out we came, ready or not. You don't see pinballs helping each other, because they can't. They're just things." With the help of their new foster parents, Mr. & Mrs. Mason (Walter Brooke and The Mary Tyler Moore Show's Priscilla Morrill), these three pinballs learn that even when they encounter life's "tilts," a fresh new game is just a pull of the plunger away.
Warm, touching, and real, "The Pinballs" holds up better than any of the other specials included in the 1974-76 and 1976-77 collections. Thanks to its unusually strong performances and solid script, it seems more like a short independent film rather than a TV show aimed at children. McNichol, a naturally gifted performer, is terrific as the halter-topped lead, making one wish she would be able to revive her acting career.
"Trouble River"
Based on the novel by Betsy Byars
Original air date: 11/12/77
For a change of pace, the next After School Special goes back in time to nineteenth century Oregon in "Trouble River," a heaping helping of hokum that could more accurately be called Mama's Family on the Prairie (or maybe Little House by the River). Dewey (Michael LeClair) is a teenager living on Trouble River with his mother, father, and crotchety old grandmother (Nora Denney). When Ma and Pa head to Fort Rapids (!?) so that Ma can get some doctorin' (she's about to have a baby), Dewey is left alone with his pessimistic old coot of a granny. Ma and Pa are barely over the horizon before Grammy insists that someone is going to die - she can feel it in her frail, bitter bones. That night, after Dewey discovers a pesky Injun skulking around the homestead, he and ol' grumpy climb onto his homemade raft and set out in search of help. Along the way, they discover the smoldering ruins of their neighbor's cabin, ride a dangerous rapid, and try to stay one step ahead of their intruder.
"Trouble River" looks as if it was made for $1.98. The props and costumes are hysterically inconsistent. Some of the men appear to be wearing Gitano jeans and denim shirts bought off the rack at Sears. Dewey brings Grandma's rocking chair onto the raft so that she'll have something to sit on - a rocking chair that was obviously purchased at a '70s era furniture store. At least they took the time to scrape off the "Spirit of '76" decals.
Grandma is such a mean, vile biddy that it is fun to imagine, Mystery Science Theater-style, what terrible things will next come rolling off her tongue. She berates her grandson, the dog, the raft, the river - nothing escapes her wrath. The moral seems to be that even bitchy old people deserve to be saved from marauding Indians, although this viewer would have pitched Granny into Trouble River quite early in the journey.
After School Specials were once considered groundbreaking because they effectively dealt with subjects matters that were taboo in children's entertainment. Nowadays, when kids hit puberty at seven, start drinking at nine, and have sex by eleven, "Francesca, Baby" and "Beat the Turtle Drum" play better as comedies than instructional dramas. They're still damn entertaining. "The Pinballs" is almost as fresh as it must have seemed twenty-seven years ago. And "Trouble River"? It's in a goofball class all its own.
Four additional volumes of the After School Special are being planned, featuring stars like Rob Lowe, Dana Plato, Nancy McKeon, and Malcolm-Jamal Warner. No release date has been set as of this writing, but at least fans of 1974-76 and 1976-77 have something to look forward to.
The four episodes included in 1976-77 are divided onto two DVDs. The DVDs are housed in a single keepcase that includes DVD hubs on both interior surfaces. The cover of the keepcase is designed to resemble a blue Mead Trapper Keeper folder. The keepcase slides into perhaps the most well-designed cardboard slipcase you'll ever see. The wedge-shaped slipcase simply and successfully mimics the design of Trapper Keepers, complete with a Velcro-fastened flap. It is impossible to adequately describe the clever design of this 3-D packaging. Just be prepared to laugh and shake your head with recognition when you see it in person for the first time. I've been looking at it all weekend and I'm still impressed.
After loading the DVD into a player, viewers are taken on a short CGI tour of a school. The clever menus feature a loose leaf paper design. Full motion images from the disc's episodes play on faux Polaroid snapshots taped to the "page." Viewers can choose to play the episodes or jump to one of four scenes. The segues between the various menus - involving pencils and erasers changing info on the screen - are extremely clever.
