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"I was walkin' up through Burger King, I was going over to the trailer park. They called me over to the truck. He was standin' there, and she asked me did I want to do a date." - A Whopper-loving Nashville Crack Whore in Cops: Bad Girls

Cops: Bad Girls DVD Review

By Miss Behavior, tvdvdreviews.com's Resident Etiquette Expert

Gentle readers, it has come to my attention that many of you have been behaving in a most unladylike manner. Even worse, you have allowed these lapses of taste and decorum to be caught on videotape by the makers of Cops: Bad Girls. Normally it would be impolite to even consider watching a record of someone's transgressions, but your faithful etiquette maven has decided to do so for the greater good, so that others may learn from your mistakes. This was not an easy task - at the end of each chapter I was forced to stop the DVD player and take a shower to cleanse myself of your filthy behavior - but doing so has left me with several lessons to impart:

Learn the basics of coordinating proper outfits: T-shirts are not Miss Behavior's first choice of clothing as they bring to mind "lesbian plumber" rather than "Jackie Kennedy." While not everyone can have my exquisite fashion sense, perhaps we can all agree that even worse than wearing a T-shirt as part of an ensemble is wearing ONLY a T-shirt, as Kelly from Fort Worth does in the first segment of this DVD. Looking like an even more unhinged Juliette Lewis, Kelly writhes around the hood of an innocent bystander's car, sharing with the world too much of her.personality.

Never steal your date's wallet: In Nashville, two women are accused of grabbing their date's wallet. It is difficult to understand how such a homely looking young man could wind up with one date, much less two. He must be very charming - it seems he simply picked these women up on the side of the road! But remember ladies, no matter how ugly your date may be, you may not steal his wallet.

Always respect and appreciate other cultures: America is made up of many races and cultures living together in harmony. Well-behaved ladies never hit persons of other races - or their cars - with tire irons. Apparently this rule escaped the attention of the portly Des Moines, Iowa woman captured on tape here. Because she is obviously mentally disturbed, Miss Behavior will ignore this woman's pink flip-flops and filthy feet.

Children should be left at home when dealing methamphetamine, carrying unlicensed guns, and driving an unlicensed car in Albuquerque, NM: That rule basically speaks for itself.

Unless G.L.O.W. comes back to TV, leave the wrestling to men: Nothing says "low class" like rolling around on a fresh mown lawn while beating your drunken neighbor with a "House for Sale" sign.

Green is not an appropriate hair color: Especially if one is trying to remain inconspicuous while robbing cars in the mall parking lot.

A lady should never appear in public while under the influence: Even if she is a stripper.

Video and Audio

Dear readers, Cops is videotaped under rather extreme circumstances, as is sometimes evident on the screen. Yet somehow the camera always manages to be in focus and the lighting just right when the more debased among you feel the need to show your nipples in public.

English subtitles allow viewers to read as well as hear Cops. This makes one wonder who is responsible for transcribing this sparkling dialogue and whether they are paid enough.

Extras

The seventeen minutes of "Too Hot For TV" bonus scenes offer us even more lessons:

Tan lines should remain under clothing: Do not follow the example of the biker babes at the 1997 Sturgis motorcycle rally!

Potty mouths are most unattractive: This is abundantly clear in a collection of scenes involving dirty-mouthed suspects. Soap has never touched their bodies, much less their mouths.

Always wear clean underwear: Because one never knows when one will want to get into a pants-less fight with a police officer, bloodying his nose and biting his arm in the process.

Summary

Cops: Bad Girls might be seedy, but it serves as a wonderful learning tool, showing viewers exactly how NOT to behave. Ultimately, however, each of the individual lessons leads us to an all encompassing one:

If you're caught breaking the law on camera, never sign a television release form: Otherwise, when the police discover you dealing crack cocaine while plying your side trade as a transvestite hooker, your poor mother may someday be forced to watch you being wrestled to the pavement while screeching "I ain't got nothin'" like a wounded howler monkey as your five dollar wig is ground into the dirt by the officer's jackboots. And that is just uncivilized.

Gentle readers, please be sure to read my review of Cops: Caught in the Act. Not to do so would be impolite.

3/16/04