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Cops: Shots Fired DVD Review

By Miss Behavior, tvdvdreviews.com's Resident Etiquette Expert

Gentle readers, after her horrible experiences with Cops: Bad Girls and Cops: Caught in the Act, Miss Behavior was assured that she would be able to abandon DVD reviews in favor of resuming her role as tvdvdreviews.com's resident etiquette expert. Yours truly, however, finds herself once again being pressed into service, this time to examine Cops: Shots Fired. It seems that G.I. Jim, tvdvdreviews.com's resident munitions expert, was originally set to review this release but was unexpectedly called to active duty guarding Kmart stores from rabid Martha Stewart fans intent on grabbing up her signature housewares line before the domestic doyenne is incarcerated for her stock fraud conviction.

On a related note, many readers have asked Miss Behavior to comment on Stewart's alleged lying. Miss Behavior really has nothing to add, although she did once attempt a Stewart recipe that turned out to be much more complicated than its "easy" rating let on. Still, this could hardly be used as proof of character in a court of law. Besides, even though she once ran over her gardener with an S.U.V., Ms. Stewart has never been accused of shooting someone, which is more than can be said about the people in Shots Fired. So it is with great weariness that Miss Behavior presents a few more lessons that can be learned from Cops:

Whining is not dignified: This is especially true if one has invaded a neighbor's home, tied him up, stolen and crashed his car, and then gets a slight leg wound after pulling a gun on a policeman. If one is together enough to invade a home, one should be able to suffer a grazed bullet wound without chirping like a drunken parakeet.

The family that drinks together gets TASERed together: There's nothing like 50,000 volts of electricity to say "Perhaps someone should have staged an intervention before we reached this point." This once again proves that Cops is our real-life Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?.

The handicapped are people, too: They have feelings and emotions just like we do. And some of them pack guns in their wheelchairs with which to take potshots at policemen, so be careful.

When a police officer repeatedly yells "Drop the knife," take his advice: Otherwise, one might end up with a slug in one's stomach. And which is worse, temporarily giving up one's knife and walking away unharmed, or being forced to use one of those combination spoon/forks (sporks) while recovering from a bullet wound in the hospital?

There are probably hundreds of other lessons to learn from Shots Fired, but after countless depictions of shootings and TASER stuns, Miss Behavior is simply too numb to go on.

Video and Audio

As usual, the camera work in Shots Fired is rather jumpy, but the bloodstained bullet wounds and quivering TASER wires are shown in loving detail. Mostly because by that point, the suspect can no longer move.

English subtitles are provided for the hearing impaired, though the numerous bullet wounds and TASER darts really need no clarification.

Extras

Once again, the producers of Cops have provided seventeen minutes of bonus footage that is "Too Hot for TV." Here is what we can learn from the footage they have chosen:

People who attend Mardi Gras are incapable of learning: Even with Miss Behavior extolling the virtues of good behavior when visiting other places, women continue to display their.assets.on Bourbon Street.

The producers of Cops hate Miss Behavior: In Bad Girls, Miss Behavior's delicate sensibilities were somewhat protected when footage of a partial dressed drunken stripper and a pants-less hooker writhing on a car hood were shown in censored form. Now the producers have dug up the unexpurgated footage which they have presented here, along with footage of other foulmouthed degenerates.

Demolition derbies can be fun: But not when performed on public streets.

Summary

After Cops: Shots Fired, Miss Behavior definitely needs a rest. She will also watch only civilized programs like Masterpiece Theatre or Antiques Road Show for the next month and a half. After watching three Cops specials, however, Miss Behavior has learned one final lesson:

Being a police officer is not a glamorous job: The women of Charlie's Angels solve crimes while remaining impeccably dressed in expensive designer clothing. The guys of Starsky & Hutch tool around in a shiny red car while exchanging vaguely homoerotic "witty" banter. The cops on N.Y.P.D. Blue seem to bare their rumps more often than they solve crimes. Baretta even gets to consult his pet bird when cases get really rough. On shows like S.W.A.T., the officers fire hundreds of rounds of bullets without breaking a sweat before heading off duty for a relaxing game of bowling. In real life, however, the officers on Cops remain calm even under the worst of circumstances, but often have to put on a brave face even when obviously scared. They remain dignified even when dealing with the most undignified suspects. Each week we watch crime shows to see heroic behavior performed by fictional characters, but Cops shows us the real heroes as they apprehend crazed drug addicts, settle domestic disputes, and try to convince that woman to PUT ON HER PANTS!

3/16/04