“Rock and roll is an insatiable bitch goddess, but I love her, and I’m looking for that one woman in my life to participate in that threesome.” – Brett Michaels
Rock of Love with Bret Michaels: The Complete First Season DVD Review
By Jude Clement
SWM blonde rocker seeks SF who enjoys phone sex, motocross, mud football, and pole dancing. Looking for long relationship—possibly twelve episodes or more.
Pity Poison frontman Bret Michaels. After spending years on the road and sleeping with countless women, he’s ready to look for that “special someone.” He might have joined a club, taken up a hobby, tried an online dating service, or turned to his local church to search for a potential mate. Instead, he decided to hole up in a Bel Air mansion with “twenty-five babes,” having them perform various challenges in a competition to win his love. It sounds...ahem...romantic enough, but, as Rock of Love with Bret Michaels: The Complete First Season proves, Poison’s biggest hit may have been correct—every rose has its thorn.
The possible mates range from Madonna to whore. There’s a Miss Hooters of Illinois, a super-fan who thinks that Michaels’ song is “Every Thorn Has Its Rose,” and a seemingly twelve-year-old who says she’s “been dreaming of this all my life.” Aim high, kiddo! One boozehound gets kicked off of the show in the first five minutes, but insists on staying because she “had a hat made.” Several are exotic dancers, but one of the women refuses to pole dance because she’s “not going to lower [herself] to stripper/whore level.”
Like every good reality show, Rock of Love features a nice mix of “types:” the manipulative crazy chick (Lacey), the even-headed under-the-radar chick (Jes), the somewhat naïve chick (Sam), the slutty mom (Rodeo), the dumb blonde (Brandy C., who proclaims, “I love my boobs. They’re the best birthday present I ever got. From my parents. Last year.”), and any other reality show stereotype you can dream up.
Before these women can win his rock of love, Michaels tests their compatibility. The challenges are tough. They have to take a stab at phone sex, ride in a motocross relay race, write lyrics to a new Michaels song, play football in a mud pit, get grilled by his biggest fans, and introduce their parents to the rocker. Each week, one or two contestants are cut, finally leaving two women standing.
And what do they get at the end? A million dollars? Turtle Wax? Bus fare home? Nope. They get to be Michaels’ “girlfriend.” Well, not really. As the reunion special included here reveals, the winner and Michaels didn’t see each other for six months. This, apparently, was part of the production agreement. After all, if they were seen together in public before the show aired, then there would be no suspense.
Since the second season is already on the air, one can assume that things didn’t work out between Michaels and his season one “girlfriend.” But, he’s still looking for love, even if it’s in all the wrong places.
The thirteen episodes that make up Rock of Love with Bret Michaels: The Complete First Season are divided onto three discs. The discs are housed in three slim black plastic keepcases. The fronts of the cases feature publicity stills of Michaels. The backs of the cases include titles and brief synopses for each episode. The keepcases slide into a cardboard outer sleeve.
The DVD menus are simple and easy to navigate. Viewers choose individual episodes or use the "play all" feature. The episodes are not divided into chapters.
